You know, I was thinking maybe tonight, we try
that tofu with peppers dish we were reading about.
- Ambitious. I like it. - Okay, uh, fennel seeds.
- Go. - We need tofu.
We need two red and yellow bell peppers.
(ominous music pounds)
Oh...
Um, is there any way that somebody could be, like
- watching us, is that a thing? - What?
♪ ♪
Oh, Christ, they found me.
- What's going on? - Uh, do you trust me?
- Yes? - Run!
(intense percussive music)
♪ ♪
(grunts)
(tires screech)
Oh! What's the matter with you? Are you nuts?
(grunts)
♪ ♪
(thud)
- (groans) - Josh!
- Jesus Christ. - Honey, are you okay?
- (moans) - Who are you?
I'm Josh's stepdad, Tom.
Oh, my God, hi.
Bet that was hard to tell
with this new hat I'm trying out, huh?
Tom, what do you want?
Your mother sent me.
Ever since you two started dating,
you've been on her Most Wanted list.
You can't get away with having a new girlfriend
and not bringing her by for dinner.
Uh, yeah, you're right. I'm sorry.
(groans) Uh, well, see, the thing about it is,
this week, I... it's pretty hectic,
work-wise, it's just that time of year...
(blow lands) Ah!
Okay. (winded gasp)
Not just work, there's also... we have
out-of-town friends visiting that don't really know this...
(blow lands) Ah! Jesus Christ.
- Josh? - All right, stop.
Just... please.
Stop hitting me. Look, we'll come for dinner.
- (upbeat music) - Yeah, yeah, we can't wait.
Okeydoke! We'll see you Friday.
Okay.
- (blow lands) - (gasps)
(downtempo electronic music)
♪ ♪
Ah!
♪ ♪
(squeaks)
♪ ♪
(growls)
♪ ♪
- sync and corrections by Mr.C - - www.addic7ed.com -
(upbeat music)
I am so excited.
I finally get to meet the famous Patti Greenberg.
What you doing, Josh?
(pained chuckle)
Uh, well, I read online
uh, that yoga relaxes you, so I tried doing yoga,
but I injured myself pretty badly.
So now I'm just trying to make it better.
Josh, why are you so nervous?
Uh, look,
Lucy, I know how awesome you are.
But my mother is a very particular person.
And her house has, like,
a million weird little rules.
Josh, it's totally fine.
It's gonna be cool, we'll just...
uh, we'll just feel it out, okay?
You'll just feel it out?
- Are you crazy? - They're just parents.
- It's fine. - You don't understand.
You don't know what you're walking into.
You don't know what these people are capable of!
I... I don't know how to describe it to you, but...
(dramatic music)
But I know someone who does.
Come on.
♪ ♪
You've come to the right place.
Yeah, Liz is the, uh,
world's preeminent authority on our parents.
Nobody's been studying them longer.
I lived among them for 18 years.
Theirs is a crude and primitive world,
but in some ways, it's beautiful.
Sounds fascinating.
But it's also very dangerous.
They have many baffling rituals and social customs
that must be followed to a T.
Or what?
They'll label you as...
"a handful" or "not right for Joshy."
But we are not gonna let that happen.
- Uh, right, Liz? - That's right.
Let's start with the clippings ritual.
Now, Lucy, if I were to hand you this,
what would you do with it?
- (muttering) - It's okay.
- Oh, no. - 'Cause it's garbage, right?
Yes. To us, it is garbage.
It's a random, useless article from an old local newspaper.
But in Mom and Tom's world, that was considered a gift.
(inhales sharply) So I should read it?
'Course not. You must simply recite
the proper ceremonial response.
"I look forward to reading this."
Yeah, that's good, good.
- That's good. - Yeah? Okay.
♪ ♪
Taste it.
(music pounds)
(gags)
- (gags) - It's called "ranch dressing."
- I did not like that. - No, none of us do.
It's very thick.
You just have to pretend.
Ranch is central to Mom and Tom's diet.
To them, it's like liquid gold.
I once watched them take down an entire jar
during an episode of Blue Bloods.
Whoa.
Say you're washing your hands before dinner.
Which towel would you use to dry them?
- (suspenseful music) - I guess...
Halloween, 'cause it's the lesser holiday?
- Shit. Shit. - What?
The answer is neither.
Patti and Tom still follow Towel Law.
This is the outdated practice of displaying
holiday-themed towels solely to gaze upon.
So where do you dry your hands?
On your jeans or whatever.
Why don't they just put, like,
another towel in the bathroom?
You're still trying to force
our way of thinking onto their world.
Oh, my God, I hope I remember all this.
You'll know it went well if she lets you look
at the family photo album; it's their most sacred object.
Okay, it's 4:00 p.m. We gotta... we gotta go.
I thought we were going for dinner.
4:00 p.m. is dinner.
(dramatic music pounds) Damn it. Shit.
- Hi! - Hi.
- Get in here, you kids. - (chuckling)
Hi, I'm Lucy. Nice to meet you.
Hi.
- Hi, how are you? - Hi!
- Hi. Lucy... no? - (gibbering)
Okay, oh, there we go. That's good. Hi.
Oh!
Josh told me you were a graphic designer.
So I wanted to give you this.
Thank you. That's... thank you.
Uh, "Art Museum Attendance in Illinois Remains
the Same as Last Year."
(tense exotic music)
I... I look forward to reading this.
(exhales)
(upbeat pop music)
♪ ♪
- And Frank's sons... - Mm-hmm.
- Danny and Jamie... - Uh, Danny... uh, Jamie Jr.
- Jamie Jr. - Right.
- He's a big man. - That's the cousin Jamie.
- Oh, that's the cousin Jamie. - There's Jamie,
Jamie Jr., and Cousin Jamie.
- Okay. - And you can tell...
and Jamie Jr. you can tell
'cause he's got red hair like his dad.
- That's right. - Yeah.
- Okay. All right. - Yeah.
So they're all NYPD.
- Yeah. - Well, I, for one,
never mind a refresher on the family tree
of the show Blue Bloods.
No, that was a great story.
- We had fun telling it! - Yes.
I think this was the best dinner ever.
- I agree. - Yeah.
And, as a matter of fact, Lucy,
I rarely do this, but
would you have any interest
in seeing the family photo album?
(tender music)
Yeah.
Yeah, that'd... that'd be great.
♪ ♪
- Thank you guys, love ya. - Buh-bye.
- Thank you, bye-bye. - We'll see you soon.
- Buh-bye. - Buh-bye now.
That was really fun.
- Ohh! - Oh, Jesus...(muttering)
(gentle guitar music)
(both exhale)
We did it. We made it.
- We survived. - Yeah.
Like, I know my mother can be a bit much.
- But we came out here. - Mm-hmm.
They liked you, and now,
we don't have to see her again till
- spring at the earliest. - (laughs)
Okay. So...
I... I spoke too soon.
Yoo-hoo!
You know, I was just telling Tom
that I had such a good time tonight
that I think
we have to do this again soon.
- Yeah, yeah, definitely. - Absolutely.
- Yeah, at... at some point. - Yeah.
How about this Saturday?
You... you mean tomorrow?
Yeah.
Uh, well, uh, you know,
as much as we'd love to, uh,
wake up and drive all the way back out here tomorrow
and just do everything we did today,
um, we... we actually kind of had a bit of a day
planned in the city, so...
Well, then I'll come to you.
- You... what? - Big day in the city?
- Can't wait! - Oh.
- I'll see you tomorrow. - All right, see you.
- See you tomorrow. - See you tomorrow.
- Bye-bye, see ya. - Bye. That was great.
♪ ♪
Bye. Yep. Bye.
♪ ♪
(gentle upbeat music)
Oh, Tom, it's been the most wonderful day.
Well, we hit the aquarium
and then the wax museum,
and then there was a bus tour of old churches.
She's never gonna leave us alone.
Actually, she might if you just
told her that you need some space, maybe.
No, I... I'm just trying to, like, avoid
a proper confrontation with her.
Okay, so...
What are you guys thinking?
Should we go out for dinner or
you want to squeeze in one more bus tour first?
Hmm. Bus tour?
What do you... what... what's your instinct?
Actually, you know, Mom, Lucy and I
are both, uh, pretty tuckered out
so I think we're just gonna...
- (yawning) We're pretty tired. - Crash.
It's only 6:00.
Nevertheless, uh, we are going to sleep now,
so I think you, maybe, just
should probably... (mumbles)
Say no more. I get it.
You guys head off to bed,
and I'll just sit tight.
Don't you worry about me.
I'll be fine.
It's very bright.
I know.
Just squint hard.
We'll be asleep in a matter of hours.
Josh, this isn't good.
She's starting to get obsessed with us.
It'll all be fine.
(laughing)
- Yoo-hoo! - Jesus.
It's me, your number one fan.
Yep, why... what are you... why are you here?
What are you doing here?
Can I get a picture?
- Oh, yeah... yeah. - Yeah.
Is this annoying?
Oh, oh, oh. Okay, yeah, yeah.
Okay, thank you.
Am I freaking you guys out?
Because I'm like, "Oh-ahh, I love you guys,"
and you're like, "Ooh, she's weird."
- No, no. - No.
I just... she has somewhere that we have to be.
Of course. I know how busy you guys are.
(suspenseful music) What's that over there?
♪ ♪
Did you just cut her hair?
I really am your number one fan.
(melodramatic music)
Whoa-ooh...
- Ugh... - What the hell?
Josh, some of these letters from your mom
- are really unhinged. - It's not that bad.
This one keeps referencing the day we become one.
Well, we just... we won't reply to that one.
In this one, she drew Christ upside-down on the cross.
She's just being a mother.
This one's three tickets for us to see "Jersey Boys."
(exhales)
(intense percussive music)
♪ ♪
(dogs barking in the distance)
Josh? You need to see this.
Shots rang out today on Capitol Hill
in a failed assassination attempt
on the president.
The assailant has been identified
as Patricia Greenberg,
a crazed stalker of Josh and Lucy.
BOTH: Oh, my God.
Apparently, this delusional psychopath thought
her act of violence would somehow get their attention.
Let me go!
Police say she was carrying a copy of the book
Catcher in the Rye, as well as
a rather dog-eared copy of Still Alice.
Get in the car!
I did this for you, Josh and Lucy!
Did you get my recipe?
It's baked Parmesan-crusted chicken.
(Patti shouting indistinctly)
Soda crackers!
All right, enough is enough.
You have to be more direct with her.
Yeah, yeah, you're right.
You're right. You're right.
Parmesan chicken!
But, I will say, it looks like
the problem's kind of resolved itself, so...
(snoring)
- (bang!) - Oh, my God!
Yoo-hoo! (laughs)
- Jesus Christ! - I escaped!
- (sirens wailing) - (dogs barking)
Now we can hang out again!
Mom, it's too much. It's... it's too much!
What's wrong?
I don't want to hang out.
Mom, can't you take a hint, for God's sakes?
Oh, I thought we were having fun.
I was not having fun. I was pretending to have fun.
You just... you follow us around everywhere like
some kind of freak, it's...
(tender piano music)
Enough.
Oh, I see.
Well...
I didn't know you felt that way...
about me.
♪ ♪
I'll go home now.
I'll just leave you two alone.
(shackles clanking)
- (sirens wailing) - (dogs barking)
- (exhales) - Okay, you can do this.
- Okay, it's gonna be okay. - Yeah.
Yeah, you're probably right, I mean, it's not like...
it's not even like I was that hard on her.
Right? I...
Huh. Yeah.
They're probably just around back.
(slow bluegrass music)
♪ ♪
Hey, Tom.
Lucy. Josh.
How's... how's Mom doing?
Afraid your mom ain't doing so hot, Josh.
Words you said hurt her pert' bad.
(sighs)
How... how bad is it?
Old Momma's heart is broken.
She ain't no good to you no more.
Hell, she ain't no good to herself.
Only one thing left to do now.
(shotgun cocks)
Whoa! Tom, uh... uh... wh...
where's Mom?
She's out in yonder shed.
♪ ♪
Is she frothing at the mouth?
She's got her night cream on.
It's a special foamy kind she likes to get
from the high-end section of Target or,
as we like to call it, Targét.
Figure I'd...
let her watch one more episode of Blue Bloods, and then...
take her out to the Yankee Candle,
let her get to browsin', and then
shoot her in the back of the head.
Oh. No, no, don't shoot her.
What... uh, there's gotta... there's gotta...
there's gotta be something I can do.
No, no.
She's my wife.
I'll kill her.
No! Okay, look,
this... this whole thing is my fault.
I... I clearly just should have been
more direct with her to start with.
I... I should just go talk to her,
right?
Uh... okay.
(sighs and sputters)
- (dramatic music on TV) - Hey, Pop.
I know I've been the only member of our entire family
that's not employed by the NYPD,
but that's not the case anymore.
♪ ♪
Hot dog.
That means our entire family
is affiliated with the NYPD.
Congratulations, son.
(gentle music)
Stay tuned for more Blue Bloods.
How's my favorite mom doing?
(tender music)
I... I'm... I'm sorry,
Mom, I never should have called you a freak.
Well, that's not why I'm upset.
I'm upset because my own son
doesn't want to see me.
Oh, no, no, I do, I do want to see you, Mom.
I do want to see you.
Just...
not all the time.
Well, how often, then?
Once a week?
More like once a month.
♪ ♪
(sniffs) Well, that's not so bad.
Holidays too.
Well, of course holidays too. You're my mother.
My mother.
(gunshot)
Right, he's... got a gun.
Whoopsie daisy!
- Jesus Christ. - Oh! (laughs)
The hair trigger on this thing.
My God... hey, Josh, Lucy, you're not
driving by Presbyterian General on your way?
If you were, I... I'd take a ride
and maybe hop out at the old E.R. there?
I seem to have obliterated my knee.
Yeah, we can definitely take you, Tom.
Oh, should I grab some celery sticks
and ranch for the road?
Yeah, okay, that's, um, uh,
yeah, fine, well, um... (stammering)
Uh, no. No.
Actually, no, thank you.
Uh... Mom.
I... I don't actually like ranch dressing very much.
- (gentle guitar music) - Huh.
Well, that's fine.
- More for us. - Yeah.
So, uh, we'll see you at our place,
uh, next month?
I can't wait.
♪ ♪
- (gunshot) - Oh, whoops!
- Jesus! - Oh, wow.
I did it again, right in the same spot.
Tom.
Yeah, I should not have reloaded.
- No! - No.
- See you soon, Patti. - Okay, bye.
Yeah, see you soon.
- Bye-bye now. - Take care.
It's just one big flesh tube now, huh?
Yep, okay, all right, buddy boy, here we go.
(dramatic music)
You've come to the right place.
Josh and Lucy's apartment is a crude and primitive world,
but in some ways, beautiful.
Now, what would you say if someone showed you
these curtains and said they got them for only $200?
Well, I'd laugh and I'd say I could have got
- them for free from my basement. - (chuckling)
The proper ceremonial response is,
"Wow, cool curtains.
Are they from Etsy?"
Cool curtains. Are they from Etsy?
Let's move on.
Now, Tom, what would you do if I put this in front of you?
(dramatic music pounds)
I'd eat it.
- Wrong. - Shit. Shit.
The correct answer is that you photograph the food
and then if there's time, you eat it,
but that is by far secondary.
We have to go. It's 9:00 p.m.
But I thought you said we were having dinner.
9:00 p.m. is dinner. Shit!
(dramatic musical flourish)
- Get in here, you two. - Hi!
- Hello. Good to see you. - Hey, Tom.
- Patti, hi, how are you? - Oh, Lucy, hello.
Nice to see you. I hope you guys like tofu curry.
I look forward to taking a picture of it
before I eat it.
- Oh. - Mm.
Ooh, nice curtains.
Are they from Etsy?
You know what? They are!
How did you know? Come on in, come on in.
So glad you could make it.
(Walter Martin's "We're All Young Together")
- sync and corrections by Mr.C - - www.addic7ed.com -